Sunday, April 22, 2007
Tmr is my ah ma's 1st death anniversary.... All these 11 plus months have not been a wonderful journey.... the lost feeling, the internal struggle inside me.... It all happened too sudden and e wound is still fresh... All these seemed as thou it happened juz yesterday.... I dun think life would be e same as ever.... i cant be e happy girl i used to be... No one will be here to offer me advice n cheer me up and be my listening ear... I can try to control my emotions... but there's always a limit.... I'm not strong... Thou i may look strong on e outside, but actually i'm not at all.... I'm afterall juz a human being.... I cant hide my feelings well.... thou i may say i'm okie but everything is shown on my face.... N i totally hate myself for it.... Why muz i always betray myself???? On thurs (in sch).... I totally hate myself for it..... Why cant i juz control myself n be strong??? Why???? Why muz ms choo talk about such stuff??? Sickness n death is all part n parcel of life.... It's not wrong... But her talk opened up my wound n caused more pain to me.... I tried to control myself during assembly.... But there's always a limit..... i couldnt hold it any longer..... I'm juz weak!! I koe i have to learn how 2 let go... Only then i will be able to feel better and my ah ma will then be able to go in peace... but i juz cant do it.... It's too much for me to bear. At times i can feel that she's near me esp when i'm down or need help... everyone's putting a up a front... Everyone act as thou they have gotten over it n accepted reality.... But in actual fact, no one had done that.... Can i control myself tmr? can i put these behind me and not think about it? Can i put in all my 110% effort n concentrate on e game? Am i able to do that? CAn i conquer myself and emerge victory??? I'll really try my best and winning the game tmr will be my 1st priority!! All the others will have to wait till we've finished e match!!e special r/s tt we once shared is beyond anyone's ability to comprehend.. it cant be put into words too... u asked me tt qn yet i dunno how to answer u... it's juz a special r/s tt was given to us n we all treasure it v much... tt's why e scar is so deep and e pain is so much to bear...
it's you that i treasure.. 1:18 pm
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
IT"S HERE!!!!
oh my god... in the twinkling of e eye, the Nationals are here..... i'm v stressed for e past week.... got so much hw plus tests plus trainings..... almost went crazy..... finished the pink panther thing (some econs report).... however, trying to finish this report.... i failed my phy test... no time to study n slept too late e day b4.... sobs.... was so disappointed in myself.... mr tay, i'm so sorry.....
Tmr 1st match.... against CJC.... Argh!!!! Girls.... Let's all put in our best n play our best.... pls calm me down b4 tt..... i've to learn how to relax myself so tt i wont screw up.... Jia you... u can do it.... Muz rmb all e stupid mistakes i made.... correct them n neva make e same stupid mistakes..... tis is e goal i set for myself.... tonight muz sleep early n be prepared for tmr.... No more weird dreams tonight.... hee...
Hope my hand is fine tmr..... injured my wrist quite badly.... then elbow's old injury came back.... but tt one not tt bad.... Hope tmr no pain n i can play well..... Jia you jia you.... GOGOGO!!!! WE CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!
it's you that i treasure.. 7:50 pm